Friday, April 30, 2010

Meet My New Friends

When clients are rude and difficult, (as they sometimes are), I like to plan a reward in my head for when their event is over.

My business partner copes after the event by yelling, "they are dead to me!" That's how she rolls.

This, my friends, is how I deal:

I no longer remember the rudeness, the drama or my Pepto Bismol runs. I remember the feeling of my new shoes and the saleslady that said, "girl, it sounds like you earned these!"

She has no idea...

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Me vs. Celebrity Moms

Just when I feel good about balancing being a woman with being a mommy...

and I feel a sense of pride for the baby-weight I lost...

and smug about the cute clothes I can fit into again.

I open my People magazine and see this:

I gotta stop reading about celebrity moms. These floozies are gonna ruin me...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The Kitchen Booty Dance

Toddlers and a husband means I could clean my kitchen all day. Every day. I decided a year ago that I would not do dishes 24/7. Even though I could. I prepare 3 meals and 2 snacks per day; you do the math. I'm in the kitchen all day, and it is ALWAYS messy.

To make this unpleasant task more fun, I put an I-Pod docking station in the kitchen and regularly update my I-Pod with dance music. Just in case I bust out my old junior high cheerleading routines while scrubbing cheerios off the floor. I just never know how the spirit is going to move me.

I humbly offer my playlist that makes this housewifing duty much, much more fun...

The Official Domestic Goddess Clean-the-Damn-Kitchen Playlist

1. Tik Tok....................Kesha
2. Telephone................Lady GaGa and Beyonce
3. Womanizer...............Britney Spears
4. Boom Boom Pow.....Black-Eyed Peas
5. Waking Up in Vegas...Katy Perry
6. Just Dance................Lady GaGa
7. Party in the USA......Miley Cyrus
8. Jessie's Girl.............Rick Springfield
9. Disturbia..................Rhiana
10. Billie Jean...............Michael Jackson
11. Maneater...............Nelly Furtado
12. Vertigo..................U2

Trust me...this will be fun. Your kitchen will be clean before you know it. You will get in a cardio workout. It will change how you do chores.

Imagine you look like this:

Ignore your husband if he makes fun of you.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Cracking Open the Parenting Books

Does anyone else see the similarities?

I'm a huge believer in parenting books. I personally think Dr. Kevin Leman is a leading expert. Freaking brilliant. He has amazing books on relationships, parenting, sex, birth order and discipline. I've read almost all of them, and they've educated, challenged and changed me.

Recently, when I was at a loss about what to do with a defiant toddler, I acquired his book, "Making your Children Mind Without Losing Yours." He employs a discipline theory called, "reality discipline." It is simply:

We never tell parents to punish. We tell them to discipline, train, and teach their kids, but that doesn't mean that there might not be some kind of “pain” or consequence involved. That's how the kids learn what the real world is like and how it works. Reality Discipline gives the child a chance to make his own decisions and then live with the result of his mistakes and his failures or his good choices and his successes.

Using reality discipline means...
  1. Being in healthy authority over your children.
  2. Holding your children accountable for their actions
  3. Combining love and limits on a consistent basis.
  4. Dealing with every child as the unique individual he or she is.
  5. Being tough but always fair.
  6. Using action instead of words.
  7. Sticking to your guns and following through with enforcing consequences.
  8. Following the biblical instruction not to exasperate your children and make them angry and resentful, but to bring them up with loving discipline and godly advice (see Eph. 6:4, The Living Bible).

Love it. Trying it. I'll let ya know how it goes.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

The Time Has Come

It's time.

Time for happiness, bliss and Momzillas...

Time for nervous brides, crying fathers and clueless grooms...

Time to work my ever-lovin'-hiney off.

It's wedding season, my friends.

I proudly present my motivation and inspiration...

I may have to wear Spanx after the season is over...but it's so worth it...

Thursday, April 8, 2010

A Tale of Two Cousins

7 years ago my sister fell in love with a little fur ball and named him Smegil. The drama began immediately when she brought him home and he refused to walk on a leash, eat or potty train.

She called me in tears one day and yelled, "I let the little butthead, (not the real word she used), outside for half an hour! He wouldn't go to the bathroom so I let him back in the house, then he just looked at me and whizzed all over my carpet!"

I then proceeded to laugh until I hurt.

7 years later, I put my little boy on his fancy, singing potty. He sat there. I read books to him. He sat there some more. We sang songs. He sat there. We practiced colors. He announced, "All done." In fact, he had done nothing in his potty.

He stood up, looked me straight in the eye, and peed on me and my carpet.

The best part? I was on the phone with my sister when he did it. I have tasted my own medicine and it is bitter.

The Potty Protesters

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The Things I Do for a Toddler

Evidence is mounting that my son has too many toys. When his bestie got a red car, I allegedly went straight to Babies R'Us and bought one for him. He was seriously in love with it- and the devil made me do it.


The drama happened when my husband had to work late and my son insisted on driving the car immediately.

"Easy" 50-step instructions:

I have a college degree- how hard can this be? Oh, my battered pride:

He wouldn't leave me alone, I wasn't assembling fast he drove it like this until bedtime:

After much concentration, bad words muttered under my breath, a screwdriver being thrown across the room and making my husband finish the job at midnight...I present....

And that ends my desire to do it all myself-I don't need help-my son wants this-I can totally follow directions.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Sunday Best

Oh, happy day!

I have my very own toddler to dress and take hundreds of pictures of. I've been waiting for this for a long time.

I melted into a puddle of Mommy goo when I saw this.

Hard to believe this is the little fella that looks and smells like a puppy at the end of every day.

He seems peeved to have to share the spotlight. Too bad for him that his Mommy has been a spotlight hog for many, many years.

And...he's had enough. Time to produce the church donut we promised.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Momzillas and Coping

I have a difficult wedding coming up this summer. I am being very vague because I just never know who reads my blog...and I need to be professional. Professional is my middle name, people.

So, in the vast amount of summer weddings we have coming up, there's one that makes me drink Pepto Bismol like it's water. But I can't say which one. But I want to . Cause this Momzilla needs to be exposed. But I won't. Sigh.

Instead, I have decided that I need to come up with a happy thought in preparation for this wedding. I found my happy thought yesterday:

So now, instead of dread, my heart is filled with anticipation for this wedding. Because I will buy these shoes. I have earned these shoes. The price tag will not make me feel guilty. I will wear them with everything. I will expect compliments.

And...everytime I wear them....I will remind myself that I will not be defeated. That I will make lemonade out of lemons. That I will turn Momzillas into happiness.

Take that, crazy lady. Because I am a professional.

Thursday, April 1, 2010


I don't have a daughter, but I have many little princesses in my life that I love madly. This made me nauseous.