Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The Things We Do for Love

I had to confront one of my biggest fears today.

I signed my son up for swimming lessons this afternoon, and in the process, he saw the happy place that I have worked so hard to keep hidden.

The public pool.

Have I mentioned that we are currently living in the town I grew up in?  Well, we are.  And I didn't go to the public pool when I had the 16-year-old body to do it, and I certainly don't want to now.

But he does, and he stood at the fence with huge tears rolling down those big, brown eyes, and asked if we could please go swimming and could he wear his new Spiderman swimming suit?  I looked at all of the tan,  skinny cuties running around in bikinis who probably don't eat cheese fries as a food group, and I bought a pool pass.  My baby wants to swim, and he doesn't care that mommy has Irish skin and waddles these days.

I've got 3 things going for me here:

1.  I'm not on the prowl for a man, and my husband is aware that my legs are glowsticks and I'm somewhat large these days.  He's responsible for the latter.  So, seriously, who am I trying to impress?

2.  I bought a hot pink hat.  I can totally go to the public pool now that I have my hot pink hat.

3.  I think I can get away with keeping the large, flowy cover-up on the whole time.

So off to Target I went to buy some sunscreen, a maternity bathing suit and a pool floatie.  We are in business.  I can go to the public pool.  And, if I run into someone from high school, I'm gonna smile and toast to this season in life;  the season that took me out of the insecurities of high school, and put me into my big 'ol bathing suit with my 3-year-old that makes me forget that I cared in the first place.

Monday, June 6, 2011

My Job is Entertaining....

A few wedding observations thus far.....

-Don't hit on the wedding planner.  It's a waste of time; we're working.  And, in my case, married and 6 months pregnant.  But, yes, I'm oddly flattered...

-The most overlooked place to meet women is a wedding.  It is my observation that men group together and drink at weddings instead of dancing with the beautiful ladies that are in abundance.  Put the beer down, pop a breath mint and ask one to dance.

-If you cannot dance, then march in place.  I watched a guy march all evening on the dance floor.  That's it-  that's all the game he had.  He was surrounded by lovely ladies all night.  March on, brother.

-If you're married, dance with your wife. Chances are, she has on a new dress, new heels and quite possibly a spray tan. Show her off. It's also perfectly acceptable to cop a feel on the dance floor, too.

-Do not bring children to weddings.  If you have to, (or it's a family wedding), then watch them.  Keep them away from jumping on the cake, pulling down the lights, knocking over tables or wreaking havoc.  No one thinks the little pumpkin is adorable when they are out-of-control....especially the wedding planners. 

-If you are a lady, wear a slip if you're going to wear a dress.  Stained glass in a chapel is unforgiving, and it will shine a light on your business.  All of it.

-Go on Youtube and learn the line dances to "Cotton-Eyed Joe,"  "Copperhead Road," "Cupid Shuffle," The Cha-Cha,"  and, (if you're really ambitious), "Thriller."  The DJ always plays these songs, and they are a BLAST to dance to!

-It's not necessary to ask for "just a tiny piece of cake."  We know you'll be back for seconds, have a big's a wedding!

-If you wear Spanx with your dress, be careful about twirling on the dance floor.  The whole place will know you're wearing bright, white Spanx if you start spinning in a state of drunken happiness.

-If it is someone else's wedding, it is never an appropriate time to have a lengthy conversation about your wedding.  If you're not the bride, no one cares.  Really.

-Deodorant.  It's important.

I freaking love my job, I really do.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Real Weight Watchers

I don't use my blog to rant.

Forgive me for breaking my own rule today.

When did it become okay to tell a pregnant woman personal opinions and observations about her weight?  Was this acceptable at some point in history? Is this one of those things that has gone to the wayside with a more politically correct society, yet some older folks still think it's okay to say any damn thing that comes to their mind when they see a pregnant woman?

In the past month, in no particular order, these comments have been directed towards me:

-Don't worry, you look good fat.
-You're more HUGE every day!
-You've really spread out with this pregnancy.
-Hey, FATSO!

Awesome.  But not really.

I present the only acceptable things to say to a woman that is already feeling insecure about her growing body:

-You look stunning!
-You need to eat, can I buy you some icecream?
-You are radiant- you glow!
-How lucky is this baby?!

I am confident that those comments will prevent a preggo from bursting into tears and having a meltdown upon looking in the mirror.

Thank you.  I am done.  I am off to reclaim some of my dignity and get over myself.

The end.