Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Business Partners and Sisters

The question I get most often about working with my sister is this: "Do ya'll fight?"

The answer: Of course.

Fighting isn't something we do a lot, but it sometimes happens. It doesn't get ugly, we don't hit below the belt and we don't go the ever-popular passive aggressive route. But, yes, we disagree. We hurt each other's feelings. We let each other down. We also periodically need to call and tattle to our mother.

At the end of the day, though, she and I just work. Her strengths are my weaknesses and vice versa. She's assertive, I'm a peace-maker. She's artistic, I'm practical. She makes a wedding into a fairytale, I sell it.

She does this:

I do this:

Because we can't both be lining out a guest and hiding in the kitchen...

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Celebrity Nurseries

Laughing at celebrity moms is my guilty pleasure. New-mommy cluelessness and lots of money have humorous results; especially when they design a nursery.

Allow me to introduce one such celebrity baby nursery:

Let's be clear that this room has never actually housed a real baby yet. When it does, the inevitable will occur:

1. A diaper will leak poo on that lovely, plush rug. It will always look a little yellow.
2. Cutesy knick-nacks will be shoved up a nose or worse, put down their pants for safekeeping.
3. Don't let them actually sit on that chair. Dirty hinies have no respect!
4. Hello sparkling windows, allow me to introduce peanut butter. With a booger or two thrown in.
5. That footstool is perfect for trying to reach the shiny chandelier for a good swing. Or giving it a good try, anyway.

Maybe I'm just bitter that I couldn't afford and all-white designer nursery for this little guy:

Then again, maybe that was for the best.

Sunday, August 22, 2010


Repeat 50 times. Then eat cake.

Pure bliss.

Friday, August 13, 2010

The Great Manipulation

This is so very true:

I am drunk with power. Allow me an example:

Scene: Two Grandmas, (A Grammie and a Granny, to be exact), were in town on a very busy schedule. I happened to have both of their grandbabies. Those grandbabies had worn me out and I needed a break.

I sent this text:

"I guess I'll tell them their Grandma's don't love them."

30 minutes later, this happened:

*They came by to let me know that they cannot, in fact, be manipulated.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Scenes from a Marriage II

Do you ever have a dream that seems so real, you wake up believing it?

Me: Why won't you marry me?

Him: I did marry you. 5 years ago.

Me: I'm not going to just wait around. I have options. I'm not going to be your lifetime girlfriend.

Him: You have a ring and everything.

Me: You think you can just have all the benefits of marriage without the commitment? You've got another think coming, mister.

Him: We have a son together. You have my last name.

Me: Oh yeah. What a weird dream. Will you make me some coffee?

Him: Am I still in trouble?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Momisms II

And so my tradition continues. I never know what's going to come out of my mouth on any given day with a toddler...

"You have your own food. Mine does not taste any better than yours. "

"Don't eat Daddy's Bible."

"Don't touch anyone's privates but your own." (This also handy advice for teenagers/college students.)

"Popsicles are not for breakfast, lunch or dinner."

"Just sitting on the potty and smiling does not earn you a chocolate chip."
*Chocolate chips are my potty-training prize*

"You are not invited to date night."

"Sunday school is not a punishment."

"You do not need to watch your friends poop."

"Get my sunglasses out of the ranch dressing!"

"If you kick me one more time, Grandaddy cannot save you."
*At this point, I give my Dad the stink eye to enforce my threat as he likes to rush in and sing HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! when his grandbaby is being punished.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Breaking the Code

My husband recently decided to go through his cards and letters from the past 20 years. He was a good sport and let me read all of the ones from old girlfriends, girls he was chasing and girls that were chasing him. As I read them, it became incredibly clear to me that my husband was quite popular with the ladies, and the poor guy had no idea. He just couldn't translate the Christian-girl language.

Since I am well-versed in Bible college language, I humbly offer my translations, (some of these came from the cards, and some of it just came from my experiences.)I am mortified to admit that I said many of the following things myself:

I hope we get to know each other better.
Translation: Ask me out, moron.

You are such a blessing to me.
Translation: Please keep doing nice things for me, but don't expect me to go out with you.

I can't imagine my life without you.
Translation: I want a ring by spring. A big one.

If we're still single in our thirties, we should marry each other.
Translation: You're great, but I need to see if someone better comes along first.

I'm your sister in Christ.
Translation: You have no chance of ever seeing me naked.

I just really want to date Jesus right now.
Translation: I don't want to date you. But, if someone hotter comes along, I might stop dating Jesus for him.

I hope this helps you sweet ORU/SAGU/Evangel students out there.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

My Legacy

There is absolutely no denying that I have a fondness for words that I shouldn't. I have managed to offend several people I love, was trying to impress or should have been trying to impress. I have honestly been trying like never before to say "shoot" or "darn" or "bummer" in lieu of the word I actually want to say. First of all, it's just tacky to talk that way. Second, I have a toddler that repeats my words.

So, I've been trying. Please keep that in mind.

Scene: Playing cards with my Mommy friends.

Her: My daughter said something the other day, I think she got it from you.

Me: Oh, really?

I ran through all of my most-used saying:

-Super Duper!
-I want both of you to be sweet to each other!
-Tattling hurts my ears.
- You can get glad in the same shoes you got mad.
-Cool Beans!
-Run like the wind!

* I was hoping it was something cute and sweet......

Her: Yeah, she was frustrated about something and said, "Oh, CRAP!"

Oh, cr.........bummer.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

For the Love of Boobies

In honor of World Breastfeeding Week, allow me to share my favorite breastfeeding story:

Me and the little guy took our first plane ride together when he was 9 months old. I wanted to visit my bestie in Florida and I thought I could manage it since nursing always made him very zen and he looooved his milk. My plan was to latch him on, hooter hider in place, and let him nurse the entire plane ride. I thought that would make life pleasant for everyone.

I was mortified when a very large, very cowboyish/manly man plopped in the seat next to me. I was freaking out that he might see something. The truth is, I will never be that woman that can whip out a boob and feed my baby. I had all of the special items required to keep myself and my business well hidden. I decided to warn my fellow traveler.

"I'm going to nurse my baby the entire plane ride. I hope that you are comfortable with that," I said simply.

He grinned, gave me a pat on the back and replied, "Well, young lady, I've been married and I've seen all that. It all looks the same so don't you worry about me."

Well, then. Good to know.

*The only picture I have of myself nursing. I nursed for 1 freaking year and this is all I have to show for it. Best part is that my Dad took this picture after ensuring everything was "covered up." lol

My mommy friend, Sarah, was a huge inspiration and support to me while I nursed. Here are some of her breastfeeding blogs.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Mooched Mommy Idea #9

My son has learned the word, "popsicle." He requests them for breakfast, lunch, dinner and at snack time. Recently, when his baby cousin tried to mooch a lick, he put it on his head to get it out of her reach. Dude means business about his daily treat.

I hate giving him all of that sugar and corn syrup, and have mooched these ideas from fellow mommies:

1. Applesauce popsicles. Just freeze no-sugar applesauce in popsicle molds. Voila!
2. Fruit Chillers. You can find them in the canned fruit section of the grocery store. They are mainly fruit juices with a little sugar added.
3. Frozen grapes, blueberries or bananas. All of these fruits freeze really well, and are quite tasty.

I am currently also looking for healthy alternatives to ice cream, cake and cookies. Not having much luck yet.....