All I Want is a Freaking Tan

I am interrupting my Switzerland adventures for this important announcement:

My legs look like glow sticks.

I am of Irish descent, and that means that I have been pasty white my entire life. You might be thinking, "wow, Sara, have you tried sunless tanning or tanning beds?"

Please, people, I have tried everything on the market to get that sun-kissed glow.

When I tried Coppertone's new sunless tanning spray last week, the orange results prompted my friend to tell me about the new revelation called "airbrushing." For $30, I get to stand with my post-baby body in front of a 19-year-old with perky boobs and a machine that kind of looks like the bug sprayer my lawn guy uses. I didn't care as long as I looked golden for approximately 10 days.



And...it worked. It was glorious. I have been wearing every short dress and pair of shorts I own before the clock strikes midnight and the glow sticks return.

I fear that day arrived today. I look like a polka-dotted mess. My "tan" is literally flaking off, and not very evenly, I might add. I don't care. For one, blessed week, I joined the ranks of the Coppertone models.

Ahem.

Without the, um, skinny and flawless body.

Illegal Fun

No, I didn't do drugs in Switzerland. I just signed up for canyoning when my sister told me I "probably didn't have the guts." (Yes, I would, in fact, jump off a cliff if she told me to....but that is for the next post.)

Fresh from our water rafting adventure, we set off the next day to partake in the illegal and dangerous activity known as "canyoning." Apparently, this involved more full body gear and jumping off very large waterfalls and hoping for the best. What made this adventure even more appealing were the cute, Swiss guides and the beer and cheese they promised at the end of the trail.

And off we went:

We had to repel down the side of the mountain. This is the instructor trying to get me to do tricks in my harness.

This is as "tricksy" as I got. Clenching the rope with both hands and hoping they knew what the hell they were doing. (They didn't bother learning names, they just called me my helmet name, "LIPS", the whole time.)


There was only one way out once we repelled down. Oh, jeeze....and we jumped about 15 of these by the end of the day.

"I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky...."

This is when the glacier water really started to remind me that I needed to pee. Wet suits do not, in fact, keep you warm when you don't actually stay in the water long enough. I will not mention which sister, but someone peed in their wetsuit to keep warm.

Where is my freaking beer and cheese?

*You can enlarge these images by clicking on them*

Sooners go to Switzerland

I ran across these pictures today while trying to escape a toddler. They reminded me of a very different season in life. A season in which I was fearless, reckless and could be talked into anything as long as my sister dared me.

We were backpacking Switzerland together and she had the great idea to go white water rafting. Why 2 Oklahoma gals thought this would be a cinch I still have no idea. The only water we'd ever been exposed to was our family vacations to the lake. I assure you that no helmet was required.

So, off to the rapids we go...in full body gear. I took it a step further and requested that Amy and I be put in the front to steer. (Everyone knows you get better pictures when you're in the front...)

This is what followed:

This is our lesson before they threw us in the raft. It was emphasized to have a "buddy" in which you would jump off the raft for if needed. Amy and I decided to be buddies because we didn't trust anyone else to go after our stupid asses if we fell in. (I have no idea why I felt the need to wear my helmet for the lesson....Oklahoma gal, remember?)



Please note our smiles and confidence.




Before the first big wave. Please note the look on my sister's face as she begins to realize that I am an idiot for putting us in front. I am still more excited about being in all the pictures.


Now, I am looking serious as there is more required of me than posing. I am also looking at the huge rock our little raft is now barreling towards.



I heard Amy scream and had my one "super-hero moment" in life and went after her. I grabbed her paddle, she held on for all she was worth and I proved my worth as a big sister.



This was right after the dude next to me requested that Amy and I not be in front anymore. Turd. We didn't budge.

What an absolutely perfect day.

More to come when I explain how she talked me into canyoning the next day. Apparently, it's illegal in the U.S. Of course, I said "yes."

To be continued...

The Nutrition Nazi

I will feed my child only fresh foods.

I will not inspire my child with my bad eating habits.

He will eat healthy food or go without.

I will read nutrition books until I'm cross-eyed.

If I don't give him junk, he won't ever want it.......









Crap.

Momisms

In honor of Mother's Day, I would like to post some of my Mom's favorite things to say to my sister and me:

1. "Listen and receive instruction!"

2. "You can get glad in the same shoes you got mad."

3. "How about I be the parent and you be the child?"

4. "Speak, beak!"

5. "Leave the room, I don't even want to see your face right now."

Of course, she said these things a lot and they ruined by life on a daily basis. As shocking as it may sound, I was a sensitive drama queen as a child....and teenager. I swore I would never say these things when I had kids.

Update: I have said all of them to my students and my son.

Shame.

Happy Mother's Day to my fun, spunky, fiercely loyal tigress of a Mom. I'd be lost without you.