Summer School

Summer has been a busy time for my busy boy. He's had his very own summer school. In fact, it has inspired him to request a toolbox. I pretend I don't understand him.

His summer training:

Auto Mechanics

*Fixing my Jeep with Grandaddy. I was just hoping he wouldn't puncture anything important.

Home Interior

*Painting the trim with Daddy. I'm not sure who was wearing more paint after this project.

Home Ec

*Making nummies with GG. She would put in the ingredients, and he would take out the chocolate chips for a quality check.

Cosmetology

*Giving his cousin a nice pedicure. Oh wait, this doesn't look right. The Manliness Police will be after me for sure this time. Crap.

Guest Blogger

I don't normally host guest bloggers, but my 2-year-old son insisted that he share his thoughts about his Daddy.

So, a BIG welcome to Cale and his post:

Why My Daddy is the Greatest!


by Cale

When I pee in the potty, you act like it's the most exciting news you've ever heard in your life.

When you grill, I get to wear an apron and hold the tongs. I feel very manly.

You put your aftershave on my cheeks and we both make Mommy smell us.

You swim with me in my kiddie pool, even though I probably peed in it.

You teach me to say, "thank you, Mommy, for cooking for us" at every meal. That's going to make me a fantastic husband someday...if Mommy ever lets me date.

You take me on adventures at the park, museum, zoo, Chick-Fil-A, the pool, Incredible Pizza, the ranch and the backyard.

You sneak yummy treats to me when Mommy is not looking.

You wrestle with me and never get upset that I always win. My muscles are very big, you know. And, you don't freak out too much when our wrestling gets out of hand and I accidentally kick you in the.....area.....

You clean me, the sheets, the bed and the carpet when I throw-up. And you have no help because Mommy is gagging in the other room.

You read to me everyday, and even do the special voices.

When you come home after a long day, you play with me all evening and fill my little tank with Daddy love.

You're the greatest. I WUV you!

In a Snit

I'm not judging, I used to be this girl. But, I get it now. Oh, how I get it.....

An Open Letter to Grooms

I gotta get this out. I meet with brides and grooms almost every weekend to talk about their wedding plans; and I see too much of the Completely-Bummed-Out-Groom. I totally understand that planning a wedding is more for the girls...but we need to talk.....

Dear Groomies,

You can summon a decent amount of enthusiasm to display for your bride as she talks about her wedding day. Slumping in your chair and staring at the ground is better left for the pouting toddlers when they don't get their way. Also, it is never advisable to blurt out, "I don't even want to do this." If you don't want to get married, grow a pair and break up with her; don't propose.

By supporting your bride through this process, you are showing that you will make a wonderful husband. Marriage involves being excited about your spouse's interests. And, here's an inside tip: she'll remember this on the honeymoon, dude.

Here are some appropriate responses to help you through this process:

1. Honey, I just want to marry you. Whatever you plan is great!
2. You're so beautiful I won't notice anything else.
3. All I care about is that, at the end of the day, you'll be my wife. (Had a groom say this once; I melted.)

Here are some inappropriate discussion topics:

1. The flask you want to have in your tuxedo jacket.
2. Your longing to fly to Vegas and "get it over with."
3. The only thing you're excited about being the bachelor party.

You're welcome. Now man up, put on a happy face and let's talk centerpieces.

Respectfully,
Your Wedding Planner

Mooched Mommy Idea #8: The Tattle Problem

Tattling has entered my life. Crap.

I spent two years as a fifth grade teacher dealing with the plight of the tattlers. With 30 plus students, someone was offended and done wrong at all times. It was exhausting. And I thought it was over once I took on full-time mommying.

Shows what I know.

The toddlers, (one is mine, one I have kept part-time since she was 2 months old), have taken to informing me of all things offensive:

"He bumped my head."

"She took my guitar!"

"He's looking at me poop!"

"She ate my macaroni!"

Obviously, I take physical and verbal harm seriously and those are swiftly disciplined. But, for the ridiculous tattles; I've tried reasoning, sassing and ignoring. I recently mooched this idea from a parenting magazine, and it has worked wonders and changed my life:

Simply say, "thank you for letting me know."

They feel heard, I don't have to play judge and jury, and they can go about their business with a short rebound time.

Until someone invades their private pooping time...and it starts all over again.

Me vs. The Short Shorts (I didn't win...)

When I was 18, I baby-sat 3 very energetic little girls. One of them, now 19, came to visit for a couple of weeks. It was heaven. I love her energy, her heart, the way my son fell in love with her instantly, the way my kitchen would magically be clean when I would come home...and that's just the beginning.

But things turned nasty when I put her laundry on the bed and I decided to try these on:



I was oh so painfully reminded that:

A. I am not 19
B. I do not have her tan legs
C. I have had a baby
D. I only work out once a month

I made her leave immediately. Sigh. Not really, I just decided to accept that my season for short cut-offs is officially over, and I should stick to my spray tan and knee shorts. And then I made her change a poopy diaper.

Because if I have to deal with reality, she has to join me.

The Unexpected

As a wedding planner, I've learned to expect the unexpected at any wedding:

Red wine on the bridal gown?
No problem, I'll grab some club soda and we'll get it right out!

Mother-of-the-Bride hates the Mother-of-the-Groom?
No problem, let's all have some complimentary champagne.

The groom is missing and might be at the bar next door?
No problem, unruly grooms can be motivated by an angry Mother-of-the-Bride. Every time.

Bride calls off the wedding and runs away?
Okay, even I can't fix that one.

I try never to look shocked, and I try to keep a pleasant smile on my face so that no one gets panicky.

I did a bad job this time:

The Grandmother of the bride took a nasty fall in front of the chapel. She walked in with a busted nose, a busted lip and a bloody knee. I can't remember exactly what I did, but it was about as helpful as running around in circles screaming, "somebody call 911!" And, I might have had a mild panic attack, (blood freaks me out, I still don't know how I gave birth).

And this is why my business partner/sister rocks. She calmly took Grandma to the bathroom, and began patching her up, icing her down and fixing her make-up to hide the scratches. She accomplished all of this before the ceremony began.

I accomplished procuring a first-aid kit and getting control of my stomach. And then serving myself and Grandma some complimentary champagne.

Cause it's important to contribute...

Mooched Mommy Idea #7: The Box Fan

And this Mooched Mommy Idea comes from Uncle Chuck:




Chuck loves 5 things in life:
1. The hot blond he's married to
2. His 2 little girls
3. A little honesty
4. Cigars
5. The box fan

His personal belief is that the box fan is the cure to all problems in life. Disruptive neighbors? Blast the box fan. Screaming baby? Blast the box fan. Having a knock-down-drag-out with your spouse??...you get the idea.

It's the cure for all of life's inconveniences.

I've found it to be helpful in:

1. Putting cranky babies to sleep. The powerful whir takes them right to dreamland.
2. Blitzing out a tantrum.
3. Cooling me off when I need a time-out from mommying.
4. Drowning out the documentary my husband is blasting.

Thank you, Guru Chuck for your wisdom.

This is What a Real Momma Looks Like, Okay?!

You know what, People magazine?

Back off of Britney.

She is a Mom. This is what we look like. We don't want to glam up when we run to Starbucks. Our thighs are a little heavier than, say, when we were 16. We don't usually match. We have bad hair-days. We don't rush out the door "all put together." In fact, I went to UPS this afternoon sans make-up with queso on my shorts. It's how we roll.




She's just keepin' it real.

A Little Sister is on the Way

• She's got a little sister coming!
• She's currently excited about it!
• That might change when she figures out little sister is here to stay...
  

I'm not gonna tell this little darling that little sisters can:

1. Tell Mom on you.
2. Hide rotten eggs under your bed.
3. Put a wet wash cloth in your sheets.
4. Handcuff you to the sink.
5. Spy on you and your boyfriend having a fight.



Nope, I'm gonna keep that to myself. Cause, truly, there's nothing better in life than a sister.



*I'm going to save these pictures for when she thinks I'm lying...