It's Day 3 of the "ruin Sara's world" detox diet.
I went to my second training session and am proud to report that I did not pass out, throw-up or yell at anyone. It was much less mortifying than my first visit.
I did, however, have to do 2 humiliating exercises called the "crab-walk" and the "fire hydrant." That's right, the "fire hydrant." Guess what that consisted of? Me hiking my leg like a dog for 45 reps. The "crab walk" involved sticking my arse in the air and walking like a crab twice around the studio. To add insult to injury, I kept falling down because I was trying to hurry to lessen the time my trainer was staring at my jiggly derriere.
I'm so glad he chose that moment to burst into singing the theme from "Spiderman."
I finished the day off eating a big plate of green beans and edamame. I wanted to grab my husband's plate of Hamburger Helper and make a run for it, but I figured I'd better be sweeter to him after the Jello incident.
8 more days to go!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
I'm Friggin' HUNGRY!
My special detox diet started today. I woke up ready to take on the 10-day eating plan, but noticed an intense reaction ensued when my husband eyed my sugar-free Jello. It reminded me of when he eyed my food when I was pregnant.
Complete irrational food obsession.
I don't get to eat much at all, STAY AWAY FROM MY FOOD, PAL! He didn't help things when he logically stated that he could go buy me more Jello and orange juice. A hungry woman is not a rational woman. In my defense, I did tell him I would need extra grace this week. Poor guy.
So that's how my day started. Then, I had two 11-month-olds all day, and they chose today of all days to fight over every toy in the house. I noticed myself getting weaker and more tired as the day went on. This was Day 1:
Breakfast-Toast, 1/2 an orange
Snack- Cereal Bar
Lunch- Salad (I was tempted to get a taco salad from Taco Bueno since the diet wasn't specific..)
Snack-Sugar-free Jello
Dinner- Zucchini and edamame
It's now 7 p.m. and I'm getting ready to go to bed. I have another training session at 6 in the morning. I don't know if even the Backstreet Boys can help me now.
Complete irrational food obsession.
I don't get to eat much at all, STAY AWAY FROM MY FOOD, PAL! He didn't help things when he logically stated that he could go buy me more Jello and orange juice. A hungry woman is not a rational woman. In my defense, I did tell him I would need extra grace this week. Poor guy.
So that's how my day started. Then, I had two 11-month-olds all day, and they chose today of all days to fight over every toy in the house. I noticed myself getting weaker and more tired as the day went on. This was Day 1:
Breakfast-Toast, 1/2 an orange
Snack- Cereal Bar
Lunch- Salad (I was tempted to get a taco salad from Taco Bueno since the diet wasn't specific..)
Snack-Sugar-free Jello
Dinner- Zucchini and edamame
It's now 7 p.m. and I'm getting ready to go to bed. I have another training session at 6 in the morning. I don't know if even the Backstreet Boys can help me now.
Monday, December 8, 2008
You're Looking a Little Pale...
So, I went and met my personal trainer on Saturday. I kept my head hung in shame as he measured every inch of me and put me on the scale. I kept waiting to hear, "I don't know if I can help you," but thankfully he was super-positive and told me that we all have a starting point. He immediately put me on a cleansing diet which will, after careful perusal, probably ensure that I will be cranky for the 10-day duration. It involves lots of fruit, salad and lean meat. And no donuts.
This morning at 6 a.m. sharp, I came face-to-face with the consequences of not working out for a year and a half. (I did power-walk and do yoga, but rarely broke a sweat...) Landry put me on the treadmill and I almost lied and said I had bad knees to get out of it, but thought better of it. After ten minutes of rocking out to the Backstreet Boys, (I don't want to hear it, Ty), I was huffing and puffing and wondering if it was over and I looked like a bikini model yet.
Far from it.
I did squats, crunches, leg presses, weight training and lunges, all the while cursing the cupcakes I stuffed in my mouth over the weekend. (Note to self: never tell your personal trainer about the cupcakes. He'll punish you.)
After 45 minutes of a 1-hour session, I started feeling dizzy. I mentioned that to Landry and it was like an alarm went off. "Lay down NOW and breathe!" He ran and got cold towels and put them on my neck and ears. (Apparently that cools you down the quickest.) I also was very pale and shaking.
How embarrassing.
My work-out was officially and prematurely over. I got to lay on a bench for the remainder of my time and stretch. He said my reaction was normal and that I would get stronger. I then limped out of the studio, determined to never be in such bad shape again.
Did I mention the 50-something woman that was working circles around me? Nah, I'll save that humiliation for another day.
This morning at 6 a.m. sharp, I came face-to-face with the consequences of not working out for a year and a half. (I did power-walk and do yoga, but rarely broke a sweat...) Landry put me on the treadmill and I almost lied and said I had bad knees to get out of it, but thought better of it. After ten minutes of rocking out to the Backstreet Boys, (I don't want to hear it, Ty), I was huffing and puffing and wondering if it was over and I looked like a bikini model yet.
Far from it.
I did squats, crunches, leg presses, weight training and lunges, all the while cursing the cupcakes I stuffed in my mouth over the weekend. (Note to self: never tell your personal trainer about the cupcakes. He'll punish you.)
After 45 minutes of a 1-hour session, I started feeling dizzy. I mentioned that to Landry and it was like an alarm went off. "Lay down NOW and breathe!" He ran and got cold towels and put them on my neck and ears. (Apparently that cools you down the quickest.) I also was very pale and shaking.
How embarrassing.
My work-out was officially and prematurely over. I got to lay on a bench for the remainder of my time and stretch. He said my reaction was normal and that I would get stronger. I then limped out of the studio, determined to never be in such bad shape again.
Did I mention the 50-something woman that was working circles around me? Nah, I'll save that humiliation for another day.
Friday, December 5, 2008
My Saturday Torture Session
I can't avoid it anymore.
I won 4 sessions with a personal trainer at a charity event about a year ago. That's right, a whole year ago. I've tried to pawn them off to my husband in a great showing of self-sacrifice. However, they're about to expire and I have no other choice but to go in and hear the thing that makes a postpartum woman cringe:
Her body-fat check and BMI.
I know what's going to happen. He's not going to be impressed with my excuse that I had a baby a year ago. He won't be impressed that I went off sugar for the whole month of October. I also doubt that he will give me a high-five for doing yoga in the morning about once a week.
He's going to insist that I stop making excuses and start taking my health seriously.
In preparation, my husband is taking me out for cheese fries and buttercream cake tonight.
I, too, am ready to take my health seriously.
I won 4 sessions with a personal trainer at a charity event about a year ago. That's right, a whole year ago. I've tried to pawn them off to my husband in a great showing of self-sacrifice. However, they're about to expire and I have no other choice but to go in and hear the thing that makes a postpartum woman cringe:
Her body-fat check and BMI.
I know what's going to happen. He's not going to be impressed with my excuse that I had a baby a year ago. He won't be impressed that I went off sugar for the whole month of October. I also doubt that he will give me a high-five for doing yoga in the morning about once a week.
He's going to insist that I stop making excuses and start taking my health seriously.
In preparation, my husband is taking me out for cheese fries and buttercream cake tonight.
I, too, am ready to take my health seriously.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Adventures with Little Boys
This is a sampling of how my day has gone:
"No, son, we DO NOT play in the toilet, there's millions of germs and we certainly DO NOT splash the water on Mommy."
"No, son, we do not push Lola down when she has a toy you want. Is that a good choice?"
"Are you supposed to pull all of the tissues out of the box? No, sir!"
"You do not get in your wipey box and eat the baby wipes! Stop biting Mommy, these things could give you the trots!"
"You are going to the island of safety, (the pack-n-play), until Mommy calms down."
And, after all of that, the little stinker said "Momma" for the first time.
I'm a big puddle of lovey goo now.
I think I'm also in big, big trouble.
"No, son, we DO NOT play in the toilet, there's millions of germs and we certainly DO NOT splash the water on Mommy."
"No, son, we do not push Lola down when she has a toy you want. Is that a good choice?"
"Are you supposed to pull all of the tissues out of the box? No, sir!"
"You do not get in your wipey box and eat the baby wipes! Stop biting Mommy, these things could give you the trots!"
"You are going to the island of safety, (the pack-n-play), until Mommy calms down."
And, after all of that, the little stinker said "Momma" for the first time.
I'm a big puddle of lovey goo now.
I think I'm also in big, big trouble.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Fancy Goes to the Mall
I ran over my cell phone.
I wasn't mad or PMS-ing, it was just an unfortunate consequence of being too busy and having a sick baby. Being without a phone proved to be similar to being without my morning coffee, so I made a mad dash to Sprint to correct the problem.
Looking back, I can only imagine how I looked as I stormed into the mall, spotted an available Sprint employee from across the room and shouted:
"I ran over my phone! Don't try to sell me anything fancy, I don't text, I don't bluetooth, I don't internet and I don't take pictures! I have a sick baby and I NEED A NEW PHONE NOW!"
I must have looked frightening in my sweats with Velveeta plastered on them and my lack of hair products and lipstick, (sadly, I am one of those people who look ghastly without lip color). I should have looked in the mirror before I went to the mall on the weekend after Thanksgiving. You know, the busiest shopping weekend of the year.
Within 10 seconds of my grand entrance, I had 4, yes 4, employees setting up my phone, filling out my rebate form, and taking my credit card. The sweet employee was telling me the features of my new phone and somehow slipped this in:
"You know, ma'am, this our most dependable, sturdy and strongest phone. It's not fancy, kind of like you, but it's so reliable."
Yep, that's me now: sturdy, strong and not a bit fancy. Maybe it was the Velveeta that gave it away?
I wasn't mad or PMS-ing, it was just an unfortunate consequence of being too busy and having a sick baby. Being without a phone proved to be similar to being without my morning coffee, so I made a mad dash to Sprint to correct the problem.
Looking back, I can only imagine how I looked as I stormed into the mall, spotted an available Sprint employee from across the room and shouted:
"I ran over my phone! Don't try to sell me anything fancy, I don't text, I don't bluetooth, I don't internet and I don't take pictures! I have a sick baby and I NEED A NEW PHONE NOW!"
I must have looked frightening in my sweats with Velveeta plastered on them and my lack of hair products and lipstick, (sadly, I am one of those people who look ghastly without lip color). I should have looked in the mirror before I went to the mall on the weekend after Thanksgiving. You know, the busiest shopping weekend of the year.
Within 10 seconds of my grand entrance, I had 4, yes 4, employees setting up my phone, filling out my rebate form, and taking my credit card. The sweet employee was telling me the features of my new phone and somehow slipped this in:
"You know, ma'am, this our most dependable, sturdy and strongest phone. It's not fancy, kind of like you, but it's so reliable."
Yep, that's me now: sturdy, strong and not a bit fancy. Maybe it was the Velveeta that gave it away?
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thankful
My New Year's resolution in 2007 was to have an "attitude of gratitude." At the time, I had become a whiny 5th grade teacher that complained more than my share about my students, salary, and loneliness. So, I made it a point to reverse that rottenness and focus on the fabulous things in life.
In the spirit of my '07 resolution, here's my "Thankful List" for 2008:
In the spirit of my '07 resolution, here's my "Thankful List" for 2008:
-A little boy that laughs at puppies, cries when his Daddy leaves for work and holds my heart in his pudgy, little hands
-A husband that says "you were right" on occasion and brings me flowers or cheese fries when I've had a bad day.
-Being 1 hour from my family instead of 7
-My incredible friends that run when I need them, laugh when I screw up and don't really mind that I feel I am a medical expert now that I have a baby
-My family, who have given me such a rich heritage and such a warm place to come home
-My husband's family, who make life so much fun
-The annual family football game, especially since I didn't get picked last this year
-A new home with my very own bathroom and hot pink laundry room
-A Dad that listens, a Mom that encourages and a little sister that kicks arse
-A God that loves me....truly, really loves me
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